Levi

Date Rating: 3 out of 5.

In the midst of trying find double dates or long distance dating, Levi crept in. He’s from New York City and started our conversation off giving me a book recommendation and telling me he was a professional hitman. He had a good sense of humor and to be fair, he was one of the more emotionally intelligent men I’ve talked to in recent memory. We’d spend all day texting and at night we’d hop on a call and tell each other what the best and worst part of our day was.

I loved that he was in therapy. In fact, it was his therapist’s suggestion that he go out and date. Years ago, my therapist told me to make a list of what I wanted in a partner. I’ve talked about it before. You can imagine my surprise when Levi checked off every single box. I loved how he’d remember things I’d say in passing. I loved how he was intentional with keeping up with his friends. “You plan everything for everyone else. Let me surprise you and take that off of your plate.” He said when suggesting our first date. My panties hadn’t been that wet in months.

We text for about three weeks before the date because I’m traveling like crazy. He picks Uchi which I appreciated because so many guys are listening to women hating podcasts and that shit is leaking into the dating pool. It was nice to know someone still cared about going on a proper date and eating well. I put on a tight, little black dress, blow out my hair in bombshell waves, and get there early. I’m trying not to fantasize about anything which is big for me when I’m starting to crush on someone.

We head to the bar because our table isn’t ready and I don’t know, my attraction just evaporated. I’ll say that’s an issue with online dating. Men don’t know how to take pictures so you never really know what you’re gonna get. I remember when Katia would tell the guys to take her out within a day of matching because she couldn’t be bothered to waste her time if she didn’t want to sleep with them. I now see the value in that strategy. And it wasn’t like he wasn’t attractive, I just could not imagine him on top of me. It’s like that.

The rest of the date was perfectly fine. He had a very leveled approach to dating in general. He wasn’t hung up on the romantic and he was down to be friends if he felt we weren’t compatible. There’s just so much pressure to be everything for potential partners and I find it exhausting. How can I say I’m looking for a boyfriend when I don’t even know if I wanna be around you? I’ve never even met someone I would consider being in a long term relationship with, why would I put that hope in you? Wouldn’t it be much easier to see if we had chemistry first? If our values aligned? We could see how some dates went first before we started thinking of a bigger picture. I realize I may be more avoidant now which is so funny considering the anxious attachment I suffered from in my 20s. My how the pendulum swings.

He pulled out some We’re Not Really Strangers cards and I love that game but I couldn’t help but just think about how sick in the head I am now. Here was a perfectly respectable man and I had just essentially wasted his time. In that moment I decided that I no longer wanted, no longer could, date like this anymore. Every attempt I’ve had this year so far has sucked and I feel like I’m only trying for the sake of saying that I am. It’s not that serious.

I told Levi I’d be open to a second date and I meant that but then the calls stopped and the texts became less frequent so I think he feels my lack of romantic attraction. I do think we’d make good friends though! I’m always open to new friends.