So Lu and I decided we were probably better off as just friends. I know, that kinda came out of nowhere. One thing I’m really good at is exhausting all of my options. When I want something, I don’t rest unless I know with absolute certainty that I can’t have it. Lu had explicitly told me a couple times that he had reservations about us not being compatible. He’s grinding every day and chasing his dreams and I’m pretty much settled in my career. I loved romance and he wasn’t exactly Edward Cullen. He’s more introspective and I’m extremely expressive. Those weren’t necessarily deal breakers for me. They were temporary or easily fixable. Lu was just gonna have to dig deep and do more to make it work. I would have to exercise some patience, which we know is not my strong suit. I could inspire some change in him. He alluded that he could do it. If I talked about it enough and showed examples of what I wanted, he’d follow suit. After all, he said he wanted this too.
It didn’t work like that at all. I don’t wanna say it doesn’t work like that because I want to be optimistic but… it’s never worked like that for me in the past. I think the issue comes from my idea of love, right? It’s action and intention not just a feeling. If I’m telling you I like you, there’s a lot I’m willing to do for you, especially if it’s gonna make you happy (within reason). That sentiment hasn’t ever been reciprocated in my experience. And well, the bitter pill to swallow is that the guys I’ve dated just haven’t really been into me.
I think one of the most crucial lessons you can learn in your 20s is trying to decipher if someone actually likes you. I’m not talking about him acknowledging that you’re cool or kind and wanting to spend time with you. I’m talking about he’s taking initiative and is willing to invest in you. The easiest example I can give, guys tell me they’re not romantic all the time. They’ve never sent flowers, they’ve never written a love letter, they’ve never planned a date that made someone feel seen. That’s okay. What’s not okay is, when you state this is what you want and they choose not to do it. But they will gladly ask you for your time and to sleep with you anyway.
My cousin had suggested that dating is going so left for me because I date every guy like I’m waiting for them to prove me wrong. I had to take a good look. Not one of them has yet to say “Hey, I’m not romantic but I know that means a lot to you, how can I show up for you?” Or even better yet they do their own research and get back to me. When you ask for your bare minimum and there’s no care paid to them… you just gotta chalk it up to the fact he doesn’t like you like that.
When that realization hit me like a freight truck with Lu, I had to take a step back. I cherished his friendship too much to end up resenting him. He was right, we just weren’t compatible. I finally understood that crucial lesson (took me long enough). For the first time, I honored what was important to me and didn’t force something that wasn’t really working just because aspects of it felt great. I think we’re both happier without all the expectations of dating. I hope.
I started writing again and I’ve been reaching out to girls who are acquaintances to have friend dates. I have a handful of trips to plan and I’m embarking on the very painful journey of getting my wisdom teeth removed. Every time I say I’m done with dating, something happens so for now, I’ll say I’m not actively looking. At least in Phoenix.
The Hungry Bachelorette 