Markell

I can’t sleep because I keep having dreams about hordes of brown mice (or are they rats?) which according to Google means I need to be cautious. They can represent deception, guilt, powerlessness, and anxiety. SPOT ON lol

Restaurant Rating: 🐙🐙🐙🐙🐙 out of 5. I’ve loved Undertow since it’s inception 😍. If you love rum, you can’t go wrong here. Ash is a perfect bartender, adored her. 💕 

Date Rating: –🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥. I’ve never done negatives before but this is hands down the worst date I’ve ever been on in my 8 year career. I am currently baptizing myself in my bathtub to rid myself of whatever demon is attached to me that attracted this interaction. 

Markell is a Philly transplant and getting to know Phoenix. We hit it off (6/2) when he decided I went to an acceptable cheesesteak joint when I visited 💁🏾‍♀️. I told him I liked phone calls and as a romantic, he indulged me. From Sunday night (6/5) we had two hour phone calls before bed. In true fashion I’m grilling him bc I need to know what makes him tick. What are his friends like? How does he like Phoenix? What big dreams does he have? He’s so sweet and describes himself as self aware. He’s a little nerdy and makes me laugh but we have so much in common! He says he’s a giver too and said he’s at the point where he just wants to be genuine and lean into his feelings. Whoever is gonna fuck with that is what he’s gonna focus on. I’m like Wow, it’s like looking in a mirror. He says our phone calls are the best part of his day and I love that. So what if I noticed he doesn’t really ask me about myself and he’s super talkative? I wanted intel.

Until 6/7. In my experience when a man hates his job or if his money is hemmed up in any way? You’re gonna pay. He’s miserable so he’s gonna make me feel similar. I’m traumatized by T so I offered to help him with his resume and job hunt because that used to be my 9-5 and I’m decent at it. He refused and INSTEAD I spent 1.5 hours listening to how he hated his job and how inefficient they were. He’s felt like this for three months. June is Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month and no joke? It sounded like he needed to vent. I was willing. But I was so turned off because I’m attracted to initiative and I’m allergic to being unhappy. He was trying to make an entire industry change with no experience, no degree, no portfolio, no freelance clients, or referrals. I don’t know everything but I told him that without any of that, it could take longer to find a MANAGER-LEVEL job in his new desired field. He started talking about quitting his job cold turkey and that made me uneasy too, because you see gas prices right now? How are you going to survive? Never mind keep up with me?

The crazy thing was he apologized for ranting and acknowledged he was venting but he continued to do it. So how self-aware can you be that you didn’t change the subject? I didn’t wanna hold it against him because we all have bad days and maybe tomorrow (6/8) would be better because we were having a real date!

He asked if 8:30 was too late for the date. Typically yeah but I know he only has Wednesdays and Sundays off and he needed to run some errands. I can compromise! I ask him where he’s taking me and he says he has to figure it out. I assure him that I felt like he knew enough about me to pick a spot that has what I like (which coincidentally is also what he likes). In what is clearly an ideal world if I said I loved rum, a man would google”Rum bars in Phoenix” and see UnderTow as the third option. Never mind the fact that I put in text on Sunday that UnderTow was perfect. He said that he actually felt like he didn’t know much about me. I had to laugh because not only is he not listening but he doesn’t like me. He has an intense desire to sleep with me. Okay.

He texts me the date option. We’re going to a sports bar to play darts. I have to laugh, tell him no, we’re going to UnderTow and remind myself that my favorite romance novels are written by women lol I can’t expect that here. He tells me he’s nervous because he really likes me and I’m so pretty. I tell him I don’t get nervous on first dates really but was excited to meet in person.

He’s 30 minutes late. Wild and disrespectful because we are meeting so late because you needed more time and you disregarded that. You know what was on his errands list? MAKING this abomination.

I say I love flowers and get a new bouquet every two weeks… I don’t understand why you’d get me fake flowers, use your time inefficiently, and be late? Now I got to put on an Emmy performance and act like I love this.

The date starts off awkward. If I don’t ask a question, he won’t speak. He says “Tell me something about you, you usually don’t tell people” for the fifth time since we match.

I told him I don’t like that question because there’s nothing specific you’ve wanted to know about me? My most embarrassing moment? If I’ve ever had a pet? What I like for breakfast? You want to put the onus on me to spill my guts? And if I were asked to, I would! I mean I run a blog about the most intimate part of my life, I’m not shy! I told him it feels like he doesn’t really like me like that and he doesn’t reciprocate the same energy I give him. He apologies and assures me that’s not the case. That when put on the spot like this, his mind goes blank. Okaaay….

I pull the heavy weight and drive the conversation. We talk about music and Pokemon and concerts. I’m having a good time! A relief! Until we talk about vacations. That should have been fun. But not with Markell. His major vacations he’s taken with his mom which I didn’t wanna categorize as a red flag but Jamaica, Cabo, The Bahamas with just your mom? I didn’t harp but him talking about his mom opened a Black Hole of Trauma I did not know I was going to be sucked into.

Trigger warning here so skip if needed! There’s no reason that within 40 minutes with a woman you’ve known not even 7 days yet you tell her that your mom’s husband was abusive towards her and had a stroke while beating her and in turn was disabled and your mom became a caregiver and had to wipe her abuser’s ass and how you moved out because you couldn’t see that and how it was wrecking your love life and you couldn’t have girls over (YOU’RE 30) because there he was on the couch and how his children drained his pension making your mom have to take up another job to care for him and how it put a strain on the family. How you hate your brother and he and his boyfriend pulled a knife on your mom and stole her car and how your brother had a psychotic break and had to be committed and this horrible moment reunited your mother and father and now they’re fucking again which may be gross but at least she has a friend now because her only companion was a cat who died last year. You shouldn’t disclose the health of anyone else but yet he’s telling me all the illnesses his family has. And I’m feeling all the joy drain from every cell of my body.

At this point it’s close to 10:30. He says “I’m sorry for dumping all that on you for the past 30 minutes” And I tell him that yeah… it was heavy. That now I have to go home. He says sorry and hangs his head. 40 seconds of silence passes and then I’m seeing red. WHY are you like this?

I turn to him and I’m like “I’m concerned. Are you okay? It’s not typical to share these details with someone you don’t know.” He says that he’s sorry. “I assure to him that he shouldn’t feel ashamed that he’s experienced these things but it seems like he may benefit from therapy. That between this and last night, he may want to see someone and work through this, in the most respectful way I can muster. He said he was sharing this because he IS okay and has processed all of this. How he wants me to just know him and wants to skip over all the small talk. I told him these experiences don’t define him and family is complicated but typically first date talk is lighter and when it’s deep it’s philosophical not traumatic. That I think he had some unresolved things, which was okay. The manner in which he shared this history was inappropriate.

He flips! All of a sudden it’s “Well you made me feel so comfortable! Why didn’t you stop me if you were uncomfortable. It seems like you’re a ‘read the room’ person and I’m just direct.” I told him that that’s fair. I could have stopped him but when he was apologizing it seemed like he aware that this was crazy but that he needed someone to talk to. Men always complain that they don’t have anyone to go to, I didn’t wanna add to that when I could be a listening ear. (because this is what your loved ones are for, not a hinge match you just met lol). I told him that all of the potential romance was gone. Now I felt like a therapist and that’s not sexy to me. But I felt like I could be friends and point him in a direction of who could support him.

He’s pissed now and saying that this isn’t the first impression he wanted to give and how it’s not fair I led him on. How when he shared these things he was hoping I was going to share similar things. How he doesn’t know of my family dynamic or how I met my friends. I told him, not only did he never ask for that but I would never in a million years share my family drama with someone I as just meeting that didn’t have Dr. in front of their name. This ticked him off, rightfully so, because he went on to say how women in the past have swapped these stories with him on the first date and I told him that it was extremely possible they were also traumatized and bonding over that. That’s not exactly healthy.

Now he’s begging me to give him a second chance, that I should fight for this and I didn’t have the heart to tell him my coochie had shriveled up like a grape in the sun because between this and his job debacle, I was not signing up for stress. I didn’t even want him to give me a handshake. I told him that we were simply in different places and our communication styles are different. Because imagine I bring him to a summer party and he’s talking to my friends about how he had to put hands on his step father. I’d be so embarrassed. I simply tell him it wouldn’t be fair to waste his time knowing that I wasn’t interested. He’s clearly mad. I tell him I’m gonna head out and he says he’s going to to head out with me. For some reason there’s a brick of cement in my stomach.

I tell him i’m going to go to the bathroom and thanks for the date (I did offer to split it, the date was so bad) and he says he’ll wait to walk me to my car, in the dark parking lot, at 10:30PM. Angry men are dangerous, I don’t want to be alone with him. I tell him it’s fine, he can go and he says “I’d rather not.” panic. I rush to the bathroom and call Katia to call me in exactly 120 seconds because that’s how long it’ll take to get in my car. She agrees and I walk out with him . Thankfully there’s some stragglers in the parking lot and he goes “so can we talk for a minute?” I replied that there was nothing to talk about. “this is it? You don’t wanna fuck with me anymore?” I told him I believed it was best if I didn’t. He goes “Whatever man, fuck it.” I rush in my car and take back alleys just in case and tell Katia everything.

This whole little wave of wanting romance and trying to be vulnerable enough for companionship has put me in the company of psychos. Nothing and no one is worth safety and peace of mind. I feel a little foolish honestly lol So yeah!